Life can be tough. Life can be cruel, and unfair, and mean, and you feel like you are trying to hold everything together with the weight of the world on top of your shoulders just pushing even harder downwards, right? So what stops you from pushing right back?
I have spent the last month since my last blog in the craziest of funks. Do not ask me why, as I will not be able to tell you other than there has been this crazy little voice in the back of my head telling me that everything is negative, even when, realistically, there is no reason for it at all.
I could carry on and tell you about all the other negative things that have happened, the depression, the anxiety, the mood swings, the crying, the falling out with my parents, the constant moaning at Tom, but that shit is just tooooo negative, and I don’t want to be a negative Nancy, I want to be a positive Polly! SO, without further ado, I am going to list you all the positive things that have happened this month.
- I went to a beautiful wedding in Otterburn in a fantastic mansion with amazing rooms and grounds, and even more amazing company. Little fun story for you, whilst we were there, we found out our beautiful Bride, Melanie, is expecting her first child with her newly wed Husband, Chris, which is fantastic news in itself! But seconds before I had been outside with the lovely Debbie looking at the stars in the clear night sky, and we spotted an owl, and Debbie said to me “oh, that, to me, is a sign that we are going to have news of either passing of life, or new life” and then we got called inside for Melanie’s new. Coincidence? I THINK NOT! How mad is that? I am a little bit superstitious and in touch with my more spiritual side, so for that to happen was just incredible.
- I got a new car, and I mean NEW new car! Straight off the forecourt, never been driven by anyone (apart from to get it to the dealership and on and off the forecourt, but minor details) brand spanking new, 66 plate car. I KNOW RIGHT! And I love her, my little Blue Diamond, aptly named by my mother. She is gorgeous, and I am beyond pleased with her, and I still can’t believe that I don’t have to get her MOT’d for 3 years AND I don’t have a CD Player?! How mad is that?! We have got to an age where cars are coming without CD players?! I’ve only been driving 6 years, and my first car, my beautiful KA, Vince who had butterflies on the windows, had a tape player, so to have a car that you can play music off the radio, aux cable, bluetooth USB, everything but a CD Player is just crazy baffling in my mind!
- I got my hair cut, and I’m not just talking about an inch off the ends. I decided to go in, with a full on pixie cut with a grade 2 back and sides, and dyed it an amazing red/pink/violet shade, I’ve added a picture at the bottom for you all to see. Janine (whose daughters I teach dance, and has fab hair herself) did not f*ck about with it either. Janine just simply asked me once “you sure about this” to which I said “go for it” and she just went snip, snip, snip with her scissors and BOOM! Half my hair was on the floor, with literally an inch of hair left round the whole of my head, and a tuft on top. Janine also managed to BLOW DRY my hair dead straight without picking up the straighteners ONCE! Literal hair wizard! It was a big shocker seeing my hair at first, but looking back, I’m so much happier now I’ve done it. Not only has it totally slimmed my pred face down, it now literally takes me 10 minutes to blow dry, straighten, and style it into a bad ass style, which when you have afro-curly hair, is a miracle. That, and it was nice to prove to myself that I don’t need lots of hair to make me feel great, I am very attached to my hair, and like to have good hair, but I’m even contemplating going down to a grade 2 and dying the whole lot baby pink (if you think I am joking, I am not).
- Me and my lovely Thomas are off to the magical land of Iceland this week. We’ve had this booked since our trip to Paris (I think) and we cannot wait. During our stay, we will (fingers crossed!) hopefully be doing a boat tour on which we shall see the Northern Lights, a Blue Lagoon trip, and a Golden Circle tour. We’re super excited to see the beautiful landscape and to try some local delicacies like shark (if I can handle snails in Paris, I definitely think I could manage some shark) and I’m totally just looking forward to some alone time with bae.
- I took my dad as part of an early Christmas present to see The Specials. We had a nightmare getting there due to tubes being shut, and we managed to squeeze our coats in the cloakroom and grab a couple of pints (yes, I permitted myself a drink, that will be explained another time) just as they graced the stage with the sirens going off at the beginning of Ghost Town. I used to always go to gigs with my Pa as a teen to see various rock bands, as I got older I got more into the rave and clubbing scene, but honestly, nothing will ever beat live music and spending some quality time messing around with my dad.
- Blackpool Nationwide Qualifiers Weekend with the PDAcrew. This comes as a mixed bag of emotions. It’s always a stressful weekend, memories of loved ones enter the mind, and there were some seriously disappointing results for us as a school, not to any of our dancers credibility, they all danced their bloody socks off, but unfortunately it’s one of those competitions that you can never call. Me and Mum and the Innov8 girls had worked our darn socks off to get our team piece to where it was to unfortunately be disqualified due to the piece being too long, but the girls were fab and we can hold our heads high in knowing the choreography and dancing was sound, it just isn’t written in the stars for Innov8 to win a IDTA National Title.
So they are my positives. They are my good once you clear the murky bad out the way, and sometimes it can be tough to see through the murky bad when you’re having weekly blood tests and the new drugs you’ve been prescribed makes you poorly and the ones you’ve been taking for the last few months have made you batsh*t crazy! People always tell me “you’re so brave” or something similar, which is very reassuring and lovely to hear, but sometimes I’m not. I am very human, and with my tremendous highs that everyone on the outside sees, come the tremendous lows that only a select few will see. Lord knows how they’re so patient with me, but I am taking control of my life again, I shall climb out of my funk, and take off my “My name is Maddie and I’m feeling sorry for myself hat” and it’s time to put back on my “My name is Maddie and I’m a freaking bad ass hat”. I am in control of my happiness, I need to remember that. So, lets roll with the punches, and live life the way it’s meant to be – LIVED.
Peace & Love, party people!